Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Accepting That I am Sick



As I lay here, with my body shaking, feeling weak, feeling internal tremors racing through me and kinda feeling like I might throw up, I realize I am sick. I realize I have to acknowledge my limitations and really not feel bad about them.

I am tired of feeling guilty for being sick.

I am tired of feeling guilty that I haven't gotten better.

It's just time to acknowledge what is and live as comfortable and as giving as I can in the last part of my life.

A little while ago my little granddaughter asked me to go to the park. So I drove separately so that I know I can leave if I should have to and not ruin their time. We played, I watched her play, laugh and run around. We walked the trails and sat by a pond. It was so pretty. My body lasted fifteen minutes. Then I excused myself and drove home all shaky.

It makes me sad. I want to stay longer. I am gracious for those lovely fifteen minutes of my granddaughter playing. Of watching my son in law play with her like the good daddy he is. Of feeling the sun on my face. Of hearing the Fall leaves blow in the breeze. Of feeling the pine needles crunch under my shoes. 

I noticed every detail of today. The air, the sounds, the smells, the feelings my lovely playful little granddaughter was experiencing as she run through the trails and grass and went down the slide holding her daddy's and my hands. If there is anything that life is about, it is that right there. Love, unconditional love. Nature. God.



I feel like today might of been my last day out. I came back so weak. I wish I could have a million more of these days, or moments. But I feel so weak. Each outing has become harder and harder. I am sad I won't have these days with my other younger granddaughter. I want to see and feel her joy as she races through the park too.

People tell me to hold on, one coach I worked with lately made me feel guilty as they view my acceptance as "giving up." Actually even accusing me of "sabotaging my health." Few of the doctors that I have gone to will even acknowledge I'm sick. But here I lay all shaky and weak, feeling like my time on this planet is limited, very limited.

And I am sad. I want to watch my grand kids grow up. I pray that I can from wherever it is that we go.


Children and grandchildren, please know that I love you. Please know you are my world. I have left a letter for you on my computer. I love you so very much and if possible I will be watching over you everyday. I promise not to scare you. Haha

Lyme friends, please know that I love you too and hope that you do find your answers. I will be up wherever it is that we go, standing with our fellow warriors that have gone before me.  We will all still be with you. 

Sorry I'm getting very emotional writing this, but I just feel this needs to be said to all of you.

Don't feel guilty for being sick.

Don't feel guilty for not getting better.

Don't feel guilty that you can't do what you want to do. The point is you want to, it's the universe that sucks for not letting you.

Don't blame yourself.

You are trying hard.

Don't let other make you feel guilty for being sick. You did not "negative" think your way into being sick.

Find those that lift you up, not bring you down, talk down to you, are condescending to you, even if they do it in the name of love, light or some other spiritual message.

Know in your heart that if you could play with your grandkids or children that you would. You would drive them to school if you could. You would be more a part of their sports and school shows if you could. You would be a better partner, wife, husband, boyfriend or girlfriend if you could. If you could so those damn dishes or take out the garbage you would. If you could go shopping for yourself or family you would.

It is not your fault that doctors, friends and family judge you and don't understand your illness. 

Just let go of these negative things and realize that you are in the position you are in. Do what you can from that position and make the best of it without feeling guilty for what you couldn't do. Sometimes breathing is all you can do. Sometimes you can watch a movie with your kids, sometimes cook a meal. Each day, each moment will always be different. Don't expect too much of yourself.

Now feel this (((((( HUG )))))))) and anytime you need a hug come back here and feel it again. 


2 comments:

  1. This touched me so deeply. I know exactly what you are saying, feel it, am living it but really needed to hear it. Knowing I'm not alone - I know I'm not, in my head, but your words made my heart know it too. My heart breaks for you even though it was already in pieces. It breaks for all of us. Your love and hugs (I felt it), understanding, compassion and yes, light have squeezed some of those pieces together just enough to give me hope that maybe someday I can be as kind, graceful and generous as you have been despite everything. Everlasting love and hugs. I pray for your healing and peace here and beyond.

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  2. I am a Lyme friend you haven't met yet, so {{{Hugs back to you}}}, and thank you for sharing your incredible spirit, your precious perspective on life, and on death. You are truly beautiful and talented. Your words touch my soul. I needed that so much today. I pray you are feeling better whereever you may be. I passed away in 2010, but it wasn't my time and I was sent back. God gives us what we need to finish what He sent us here to do. Your words, touching lives - like mine, is proof that even someone very very sick and hurting, can make a difference, can change and improve the lives of others. Thank you for lifting me today, for reminding me why I should keep going. I pray for you to be blessed with peace, joy, and love abounding. ~Tia

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